My Eating Disorder

My best friend of six years was unintentionally killing me.

That's a strong opening sentence, but now that I reread it, it's not entirely true. My best friend of six years was causing me a lot of stress, and anxiety. It wasn't her fault at all, she didn't mean it or know it, but the stress our friendship was inflicting on me was killing me.

I always had problems with stress, anxiety and a bit of depression. Whenever I would feel anxious or depressed, eating would become a very difficult task. (My post on anxiety goes into a little more depth about problems anxiety can cause.)

Anxiety is a fight or flight response, and whenever I got anxious, it would take over and I would throw up. It wasn't intentional, but it would happen all the time. First, it would happen only when it came to really big things.

My best friend, I'll call her Olivia for the sake of anonymity, would have breakdowns a lot and consider suicide. This was extremely stressful, but over some time I was able to recover a bit. But then, it started happening when things didn't even matter.

Olivia and some other friends would want me to go to a football game. I would be excited and happy, but I couldn't keep food down. In fact, on days when I knew I was going to be busy, I would eat as little as possible so that I would have nothing to actually throw up when it was time to leave.

According to Anxiety Centre:

"Part of the stress [anxiety] response includes suppressing digestion so that the majority of the body's resources are made available for emergency action. When stress responses occur infrequently, the body can recover relatively quickly and easily from the physiological, psychological, and emotional changes the stress response brings about. When stress responses occur too frequently and/or dramatically, however, the body has a more difficult time recovering, which can result in the body remaining in a semi-emergency readiness state. This semi-emergency readiness state can adversely affect normal stomach and digestive system function, which can cause all sorts of stomach and digestive related maladies, such as nausea and even vomiting."

At the time, I didn't know this science-y part about anxiety and nausea and vomiting, but the effects it had on me were drastic. Basically, my body was stuck in a semi-emergency state, which caused a lot of digestive problems and of course, not eating made things worse.

One grey January morning in 2015, I stepped on the scale and I read the horrifying number.

I was 18 years old, 5 feet and 4 inches, and 79 pounds.

I was rushed to the doctor and two weeks later I was admitted into a day treatment center for eating disorders.

(PC: Photobucket)

I was diagnosed with an eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). I had no idea what it was, or even what it meant really. I didn't like the name ARFID either, it sounded like the name of a rabid dog. Besides my weight, I didn't feel like anything was wrong with me.

As it turns out, my body was eating itself.

I spent four months in treatment, and a few more months in an out-patient program. The basic treatment plan was just to make me, and everyone in my group eat.

The first few days were the loneliest, but I don't think I could name a day that wasn't as hard. I was so alone, no one else in my group was suffering from ARFID, not that I knew of. Everyone else was suffering from bulimia or anorexia.

I regret to say that I was ignorantly opinionated about the suffering of everyone else in my group at first. Because my eating disorder had nothing to do with body image, eating disorders like anorexia were confusing to me. I would see the girls in my groups, and they were all so beautiful. I couldn't help but thinking, why can't they just get it in their head that they're beautiful? Can't they see they're destroying their body? Why can't they just stop…?

The answers to those questions are a lot more complicated than a simple yes or no.

The reason I'm talking about this is because I never was close to someone who had an eating disorder before I went through treatment. But some of you might know people who have eating disorders, or you might have one yourself.

There is a lot of misunderstanding about what it means to have an eating disorder. Before getting to know such wonderful people in treatment, I thought being anorexic was a choice. That someone would wake up one day, and think, I think I'm fat so I should starve myself. But that isn't the case at all.

The mirror lies.

For the people with body-image related eating disorders, the reflection that stares back is a lie. And with every purge or every skipped meal, that distorted image in the mirror only gets worse.

For everyone struggling, don't struggle in silence. You're not alone.

Love you all <3

Jess

#SpreadTheLove #Awareness #MUGTE

Living With Anxiety Part 2

In my previous post, I talked a lot about the science behind anxiety. It's actually quite fascinating when I think about it, how anxiety has helped our survival, and how it can cause us so many problems in the modern world.

In the modern world, anxiety can be extremely dangerous. Especially if you're like me, and you have a higher baseline anxiety than the average person. Thousands of years ago, this trait would've saved people like me from getting eaten by a cheetah. In the modern world, it can cause our minds to turn on our bodies, it can cause us to forget our basic instinct of survival.

Today, I'm going to try and talk about ways to soothe your anxiety, or how to at least help deal with it during the day. This is actually going to be a bit hard, because I've been a bit more anxious than usual the past week, so we'll see how well this goes.

*Note: depending on your situation, you may not be able to use certain techniques. If you are stuck in a situation where you have to be social, you may not be able to reduce your stress until later on, or try a different technique.

Calming Down Quickly:

If you can, please just stop what you're doing. Whatever is stressing you out or making you upset, try as quickly as you can to get out of that situation, or to get away from whomever or whatever is bothering you.

Have you ever had that feeling where your chest kind of hurts, and it gets hard to breathe? You sort of worry you might be having a heart attack? And when you think you're having a heart attack, your anxiety gets even higher, and you freak out even more? It's okay, just breathe. It's normal, you aren't having a heart attack. (At least, I seriously hope you're not.) That is what anxiety does to you, and what it's supposed to do when humans actually need it on a daily basis to survive. It makes your heart rate spike, it makes your breathing speed up so that you can get more oxygen to your brain, allowing you to think faster. DON'T THINK. Unless you are on the run from someone or something, or if you're getting into a fight, clear your thoughts, and try to stop thinking. Take a deep breath. Understand what your body is doing, and that you're alright.

Breathe.

While talking about anxiety, this one is huge. Most techniques for calming yourself involve breathing, because it helps slow your heart rate. This helps your body recognize that you don't need to run off or fight someone, and that you are in no physical danger. If you're facing a thought that stresses you out, distract yourself.

Example:

I texted Anthony an hour ago, but he hasn't responded. We've been dating for a year now, but things have been more stressful lately because his parents don't like me very much. This stresses him out, too. So why hasn't he replied?Is he sleeping? Is something wrong? Did his phone get taken away? Is he grounded? Is he ignoring me? Is he mad at me? Does he hate me now? What did I do wrong? Does he still love me? Is he still alive? Did he crash his car? Did his house explode? Was he attacked by bad people!?

This is a classic example of anxiety. Thoughts escalate so quickly when you're anxious, you think of every possible outcome, no matter how crazy or realistic. Something you can do to stop yourself is, yes. Take a deep breath, and then distract yourself. Go turn on Netflix and watch a show. Any show at all, doesn't matter. Just pay attention and watch. Listen to music. Text a friend you haven't talked to in a while. Watch videos on YouTube. Some good keywords to keep you busy: Cute Animals, Cats, Dogs (especially beagles), Adorable Things, or Random Acts of Kindness.

Relax.

Taking some deep breaths is always a go-to when it comes to relaxing, but there are a lot of other things you can do to calm yourself down. Don't worry about taking time to think about all the problems or everything you're worried about. Light some scented candles, take a hot bath or a shower. Play with a pet, drink some tea, read a book, or meditate. If you have the time and can afford it, maybe even try to get a professional massage. That can be very helpful!

Stay Healthy.

Make sure you're not starving yourself or overeating. Stress and anxiety, depending on who you are, tends to make people want to eat a lot, or not eat at all. (Unfortunately, I am a victim of the second, and it's extremely dangerous.)

Make sure you're getting enough sleep, but also don't sleep too much. Getting too little or too much sleep can make you more likely to become irritated and stressed.

Exercise can also help reduce stress and anxiety. Anxiety is what you feel when your body starts to pump adrenaline into your veins. It's preparing for you to be active. A good way to release that sensation is to exercise.

Reflect.

Try and think about what made you stressed, or anxious. Many times, the thing that makes people the most stressed is when things don't go your way.

I made dinner plans with Lucy. At the last moment, she calls me, saying she can't make it. She knows I needed to talk to her, more than anything, but at the last minute she decides she can't make it. That's so rude. I feel so lonely. It isn't fair for her to do that.

In this case, you must remember that…as much as we want to believe it, the world doesn't revolve around a single individual. Not me, not you, or anyone. Maybe Lucy didn't have time to fully explain her situation, and she had to babysit the neighbors kids. Maybe a family member or family friend just died. There are a whole list of reasons why Lucy couldn't have made it to dinner with you! And it's okay. It sucks a little bit, but it's okay. Things can't always go the way we want them to, and you just have to push through it.

Be Honest. (Don't fake it.)

Whether you're a girl or a boy, a woman or a man, you need to have an outlet to express your feelings. You can only hold in so much hurt, so much stress, or pain, at some point you're going to overflow and have a breakdown, fall into depression, be suicidal, or anything else along those lines. Let me just say, you need to have some way to express your feelings. Don't put a fake smile on your face.

Of course, don't make a big deal about it and hope everyone feels sorry for you. Complaining never got anyone anywhere. But sometimes, you just need to talk to someone about what you're feeling, no matter how embarrassing it is.

Also, real men cry. Just saying. If you're a man who can't cry in front of anyone, chances are you're going to get a really shallow girl who only cares about appearance and not about who you really are. (Unless you actually have a problem with your tear ducts, then I totally understand.)

Don't worry about it!

Easier said than done, but the truth is, life is always going to be throwing shit at you, and sometimes you get hit. But that's actually okay, just take a hot shower, clean yourself off, relax, breathe. Next time you feel anxious or stressed or depressed, try a few of these strategies. If nothing works, there are so many other ways to calm down, you can do a quick google search and find something else that could be helpful. Just keep in mind, anxiety, like depression, grows stronger when you let the thoughts get to you. The more you enforce it, the stronger it gets, and the harder it is to untangle yourself from it's grasp.

I love you all, you are awesome, and I hope you have a lovely day <3

Love,

Jess

#MUGTE #AnxietyAwareness #SpreadTheLove

Living With Anxiety

When I was diagnosed with severe anxiety a few years ago, I couldn't help wondering why evolution let anxiety exist. I wondered how the hell anxiety could help anyone survive when in the modern world it can be so destructive. So, I did some research and some practical thinking.

Long ago, anxiety (along with suspicion and fear) helped the human race as a species survive. It is the "fight or flight" instinct.

You are an early human on the great plains of Africa, and you see an early form of cheetah stalking you. Within fractions of a second, anxiety and fear kick in. They enable you to think a lot faster, to see all of the possible things your attacker might do. The cheetah could pounce, or it could charge. You are able to calculate the distance between you and your attacker easily. The cheetah will most likely charge, it's too far away to pounce. The cheetah starts to run, but that doesn't matter. Your anxiety seems to slow down time in your brain, allowing you time to think. Do you run or do you fight?

You know that shelter and the rest of your tribe is too far for you to make a run for it, the cheetah would surely catch you before you could get there. So you choose to fight. You grab the small spearhead in your satchel. Your heart is racing, you will only have a small window of opportunity to kill the beast and save yourself. The cheetah is almost upon you, it jumps into the air, you move your hand as the beast falls onto you. You feel the impact, and you are knocked to the ground. The cheetah's claws find your shoulders, and you hear it shriek. Your weapon has killed the cheetah, and you stand up, bruised but alive.

It was situations like this where anxiety meant life over death. Those who were more suspicious and anxious tended to survive better, because they could picture every possible outcome, and prepare for each one.

At the dawn of civilization, anxiety was still a very useful trait. If someone wanted you dead, you could run from them or fight them more successfully than people who had lower levels of anxiety. This was the case throughout the centuries into the middle ages, the Industrial Revolution, and into the modern era. Since the dawn of civilization, humans have not changed much in their chemical and physical makeup.

The modern day first world human sees little to no day-to-day violence in his or her lifetime. There are exceptions, such as if you choose to be part of a gang, or if you are in an abusive relationship. Aside from that, physical violence is not something that first world humans have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

Despite the lack of physical violence in first world nations, there seems to have been an outburst in verbal abuse (this is also mental abuse or psychological abuse). It turns out that physical violence and psychological violence, while different, can lead to similar outcomes. With physical violence, you walk away (if you can still walk) broken and bruised, injured and if it's bad enough, you could easily be in danger of losing your life. Yet the human body is built for fighting, it is built for physical stress and strain, it is built to make you anxious and afraid so that in a fight, you can think better, see clearer, and win against your enemy.

The human body was not built for dealing with the stress of the modern world. We were not built to stare at computer screens all day, or to be sitting down in a classroom or an office all the time. Today, a lot of stress comes from psychological abuse, yet your body still acts like it is in physical danger. When you experience psychological abuse, your body feels the way it would feel in a pre-historic "fight or flight" situation. You become anxious. Time slows down and your thoughts speed up. You try to find ways to figure out how to solve a problem, but this time you can't. Because the problem is coming from a screen, a parent, a friend, school, or work, or everything at once. When there is no clear solution, there is no release for the anxiety. It rises, but has nowhere to fall.

Over time, built up anxiety can turn into added stress, depression, and possibly suicide.

In the modern world, anxiety can be extremely dangerous. Especially if you are like me, and you have a higher baseline anxiety than the average person. Thousands of years ago, this trait would have saved people like me from getting eaten by a cheetah. In the modern world, it can cause our minds to turn on our bodies, it can cause us to forget our basic instinct of survival.

Though this post sounds pretty damn depressing, there are things you can do to ease your anxiety or depression (or both). This is the first post in a possible series of posts about anxiety/depression, and in my next post I'll be talking about ways to reduce stress and anxiety. If you're a victim of extreme stress, anxiety and/or depression, I really hope this helps. Believe me, I know how hard it is.

Thanks for visiting today <3

Love,

Jess
#awareness #MUGTE #SpreadTheLove